Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Spiritual Ripple Finds Its Way Home

When I was a young boy I could sit for hours on the shores of Morgan’s Pond in my hometown of Waterford Connecticut watching the dragon flies dart in and out in search of a cool drink as the fish popped to the surface in an attempt to snag a tasty water bug gliding across the pond’s glistening waters. Every once in awhile I’d pick up a pebble and toss it into the pond and watch with fascination as the ripples would cascade across the surface.

It has been many years since I threw those pebbles into Morgan’s Pond, and a long time since I thought about those wonderful, lazy days of my youth. But recently an event occurred that brought me right back to those soothing shores and the ripples that caused such fascination.

One Tuesday I arrived at work and noticed a rather official looking letter on my desk. Opening it with some trepidation I discovered that a Federal agency had decided to audit one of my Human Resources programs. Despite the fact that I run a tight ship I was horrified that the “Feds” were coming into my shop. Although I had never dealt with this branch of government before, I immediately felt like I was guilty of something. I had absolutely no reason to feel that way, but come on, these were the “Feds” and they were coming after me.

Unfortunately for me, the visit was 30 days from the time I received the letter. Thirty days is a verrrry long time when you are dealing with the unknown. As the days and weeks went by I became more and more despondent. In the middle of the night I’d wake up and imagine all kinds of negative scenarios. The people I worked with, the people I lived with and the people I davened with all began to notice my unexplained plunge into despair.

It got to a point where I became clinically depressed and the people that cared about me were extremely concerned. I had never, ever been to such a dark place. About a week before the “visit” my Chabad Rabbi Mendel Cunin sat me down and demanded to know what was wrong with me. I was so distraught that I could hardly get the words out to explain the situation. And in truth, I must have sounded like a raving lunatic because unless you were in my shoes, my concerns just didn’t make sense.

Rabbi Cunin gave me many words of encouragement but I didn’t want to hear them. I mean that’s his job right? He is supposed to try and make me feel better. At least that is what my silly mind was telling me at the time. The Yetzer HaRa, the evil inclination, had a firm grasp on my mind.

The Shabbos before the “visit” I was davening in Shul hardly listening to the Rabbi and barely reading the words on the pages of my siddur. Negative thoughts bombarded my mind about what was going to happen on Monday and the possible loss of my job. Minute after minute, hour after hour, I slid down into a deeper, darker depression.

When the davening was over, I robotically walked over to the tables where the Kiddush was set up and took my regular seat at the table. The herring was passed around, the cups were filled with a little l’chaim and my buddies all engaged in a discussion about that week’s Parsha. After a few minutes of spirited discussion Rabbi Cunin pulled out a copy of N’shei Chabad Magazine and asked me to read a story he’d marked to the gathering. Now I have to tell you, reading a story to my friends, saying anything at all was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I mean didn’t the Rabbi get it? I was in a very bad place and I had no desire whatsoever to participate in this ridiculous exercise. When the magazine got to me I attempted to pass it to the fellow sitting next to me Mark Edwards. But before I could do so the Rabbi, in a very authoritative voice, insisted that I read it.

In a barely audible voice I began to recite the three page story. It was a story written by gentleman living in Australia who was a Baal Teshuva, a Jew who becomes more observant. The author was sharing his story about his personal spiritual journey. While reading I couldn’t help but appreciate that the Rabbi was trying to boost my spirits with this inspiring tale. However, I was in no mood to hear it. I felt that this gentleman must be a very nice fellow and his story was inspirational, but this was simply not the time for me to hear his story. I had my own problems to deal with.

I completed the first page with a deep sigh and once again tried to pass the magazine to my friend Marc. The Rabbi “insisted” I continued to read. Not willing to make a scene I continued to do so. I finished the second page and thought what the heck I am doing here. These people just don’t understand what I am going through and the Rabbi has me reading this “Rah Rah” story. Does he really think this is going to cheer me up?

I continued on and about half way down the third page I read something so incredible it made me feel like my entire body had suddenly been hit with an enormous electric shock. It was as if my heart had stopped and the doctor hit me with a defibrillator to restart it. I finished the sentence and started to cry. I tried to continue but I just couldn’t utter a word. I sat there stunned and passed the magazine to Marc. This time the Rabbi didn’t say a word. Marc finished reading the article as I sobbed in silence. When he was done the entire congregation was silent as they waited for me to say something. Overcome with emotion all I could do was mumble a thank you to the Rabbi for sharing the story with me.

As the moments ticked by I started to feel better. At the conclusion of the Kiddush I walked outside with my buddies and started my journey home. About 100 yards into my journey up the mountain I started to cry and no matter how much I tried I could not stop. By the time I arrived at my front door and kissed the Mezuzah I was all cried out. As I walked through the front door I felt “different.” I was no longer in that deep, dark place. I was no longer afraid. In fact as the weekend continued I progressively felt better and better.

On Monday morning I got up and davened with a renewed vigor. I wasn’t over confident but I wasn’t afraid either. When I walked through the front door of my office building the gentleman charged with conducting the audit was waiting for me in the lobby. When we sat down in my office, he explained what he wanted to do and what he wanted to see and the process began. Four days later he met with my boss and me and shared that he had found only one small violation and with a small adjustment we could rectify the situation and all would be well.

Stunned, I thanked him assured him the correction would be made, and walked him to the door. Over the course of the next few days we corrected the problem, sent the official notification to the auditor and put the issue behind us. The next Shabbos I was ready to “party” with my boys! I shared the results of the audit, everyone applauded and we noshed on a little herring and said l’chaim.

After numerous “Good Shabbos” goodbyes I began my walk home. As I stepped to the street and headed up Moana Lane my mind drifted back to the pebbles I used to throw into Morgan’s Pond and the resulting ripples I watched with such naïve fascination. I couldn’t help but wonder at what I’d read the week before in N’shei Chabad Magazine that shocked me and guided me out of the darkness and back to the light. The author of the article an Australian named Geoffrey Zygier wrote that his spiritual journey started after he read a story in the L’Chaim newsletter about another fellow Jew, living in Wilmington Delaware. The story titled ‘Grandpa Charlie Would Be Proud’ was written by no one other than yours truly 10 years earlier, shortly after I’d made the first Kiddush of my life at Rabbi Chuni Vogel’s Shabbos table. The mystical pebble G-d helped me toss into the spiritual waters after that first Kiddush generated a Holy Spark that rippled its way through the spiritual waters of the universe for ten long years before finally finding its way back to the “shores” of Rabbi Mendel Cunin’s Shabbos table, in Reno Nevada, on the exact day Shlomo Yakov ben Moishe Pinchus needed it most.

Coincidence…..I think not.