Every Winter my parents leave the confines of their cold and snowy home in the East and come and visit my wife Linda and me for almost three months. They've been making this annual pilgrimage for the better part of fifteen years, and every time they come I have to laugh at the reaction of my friends and co-workers. To a person, each one is incredulous that we could stand being together, in one home, for that extended amount of time.
I smile every time I hear them gasp. Most of these people spent the largest portion of their youth living in their parent's homes and yet now as adults they can't imagine spending more than a few days with them. Although Linda and I are fast approaching fifty, my parents have never stopped teaching us lessons about life. From how to properly cut the lawn (yes, there is actually a good way and a bad way to cut the lawn but that is another story), to how to improve the kugel, my parents continue to share their wisdom, experience and love with us. On most occasions the three months go by in the bat of an eye.
One of the most rewarding aspects of this last visit was watching my wife Linda and my Mother light Shabbos candles each Friday night. Now that may not be a big deal in some homes but it was a big deal in mine. You see, I grew up in a warm and loving home, but I don't ever remember seeing my Mother light Shabbos candles on a Friday evening.
When I was a young boy, she would occasionally tell me stories of what Shabbos was like in her Grandmother Lena's home. Her eyes would drift off to images of a distant past, and I could almost smell the challa and taste the kugel as she shared her cherished memories with me. Unfortunately Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Lena Cooper passed away when I was very young and with them went the kugel, the challa and the lighting of the Shabbos candles.
Several years ago I attended a training seminar on Managing Change. The facilitator said something that has always stayed with me. She said, "It takes 90 days to make a habit and 90 days to break a habit." Another wards, it takes time and repetition to turn good intentions into consistent behaviors. Over the years, I have seen this ring true over and over again. Whether one is learning to put on Teffilin every morning, davening three times a day or lighting Shabbos candles, it takes time, commitment and repetition to make it part of a regularly scheduled event.
So it was with the lighting of Shabbos candles in our home. When my parents first arrived they kind of stood in the background and watched as Linda lit the candles, said the blessing and covered her eyes to welcome the Shabbos Queen into our home. But after a few weeks, to quote my children, my parents started to "Get into it!"
After a little encouragement Mom stood next to Linda and they lit the candles together. Several weeks later Mom asked for her own candles to light as Linda recited the blessing. And several weeks after that, Mom was bringing out the candles, setting them up, lighting her own, saying the blessing and extending her own personal greeting to the Shabbos Queen.
I also watched as my father "Got into it!" He watched with pride as Mom lit her candles. He later asked for his own Kiddush cup and chanted the blessing with me. He even joined me in a little l'chaim after the fish and for the first time in 72 years "relaxed" on Saturday, rather than going about his normal hard working routine.
In short, over the course of 90 days my Mother and Father learned some new "habits." When they finally left to return to their mountain home I figured they'd immediately abandon their new-found routines as soon as they settled back into their old ones. To my surprise and delight my Mother called me about a half hour before Shabbos was to begin at her home and asked me to repeat the candle lighting blessing again one more time to ensure she had it right. I repeated it slowly, she repeated it back to me and then she hurriedly said, "Okay, I have to go, it's almost time to light the candles."
As I put down the telephone I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Mom and Dad were excited about lighting Shabbos candles in their home! To my knowledge, it was the first time the heavenly glow of dancing Shabbos "lights" had ever illuminated their home.
There is an expression, "The longest journey begins with the first step." If that's true, my entire family took a gigantic first step this year. The exciting thing is none of us knows where it will end up. But one thing we know for sure; somewhere, some place Great Grandpa Charlie and Great Grandma Lena Cooper are smiling from ear to ear as their grand children and great grand children learn about the joys of Shabbos.
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